Cobra Unit Stories
by you'reprettygood
Summary: Just random half ideas and crap about The Cobra unit. Joy/Sorrow centric pretty much. Probably multi chaptered can you call them chapters ha ha as I'll likely get more odd ideas. Some OOC/ridiculosity when I feel like it.
1. Cobras doing random crap

Cobra Unit Stories

After every picture-5 to be exact-of the Cobras coming out with The End sleeping in a corner the old man had gotten quite fed up. But today he would have his revenge. Because he was the only one awake. Photosynthesis had given him boundless energy where as his comrades had valiantly tried to fight off sleep but ended up succumbing in the end. The Sorrow sat in the middle holding a book with The Joy passed out against his shoulder, The Fear lay mostly on the floor with on his head resting on the couch, beside him was The Fury curled into a ball and crushed against the arm while The Pain's head was bent backwards and he snored loudly. The End took the picture with a smirk.

* * *

His eyes widened then crinkled from the smile spreading across his lips, "you look beautiful Voyevoda."

"Don't make me laugh Sorrow, I look like a man in a dress."

She looked displeased in simple terms. Arms crossed over her chest, weight resting on one leg with the other locked into place and eyebrows sharply descending towards the bridge of her nose. The Sorrow approached warily with the fact that she just may hit him sending off alarm bells in his head. Her hands had been clenched into fists and though she probably wouldn't admit it she was embarrassed not angry. He brushed the wisps of hair out of her face with a soft chuckle.

"Boss, you don't believe me?"

"I didn't say that."

"So then you believe that you are beautiful."

"I didn't say _that_ either Sorrow. Dammit this thing is itchy and I can't move," she tugged at the fabric of the skirt part for emphasis, "what is this supposed to be?"

"It's a dress Joy, stop being so angry and look at yourself."

"No thank you."

He reminded himself that she was unused to things like this-she rarely spoke about herself or put any effort into looking nice though she accomplished that on her own. But it was rather irritating anyway. Perhaps if he tried a couple more times she would get used to it regardless of that he wouldn't' mind if she didn't. Trying to get The Boss to do something she didn't want to was like trying to force a cat to have a nice relaxing bath. Made even worse by the click and flash from the window. She wheeled around so fast her hair smacked him in the face and he looked up just in time to see The Fear running literally for his life across the base. All ceremony was forgotten and the dress was fairly ripped off-like a gentleman The Sorrow only looked from between his fingers-and exchanged for the BDU. Before she disappeared through the door she glared at him so fiercely he could have dropped dead right there,

"So help me Sorrow if this crap gets out there'll be no need for you to be a medium because the only people you'll have for company will be DEAD LIKE YOU."

"Y-Yes ma'am."

He couldn't help but think that even this side of her was attractive though it would be more so if she weren't slightly serious. The Russian man sighed, "I will ask around."

The door slammed. The Sorrow was in trouble.

* * *

The first time The Fear had propositioned her she had shut him down immediately. The first time The Fury had asked her she'd shut him down too. The first time The Sorrow spoke to her with no sexual implications what so ever she had punched him in the face and nearly broke his nose.

The second time The Fury had hit on her she'd grabbed him by the collar and smacked the crap out of him until he said he'd never do it again. The second time The Fear had tried it she waited for him to fall asleep and then woke him up after The Pain had covered him in bees. He had gotten the hint. The second time The Sorrow had talked to her she _did_ break his nose leading to some incredibly awkward briefing sessions.

The Sorrow was the only one to speak to her a third time. Normally anyway. The others still harboured deep seated fear of her wrath and thus any conversations were stilted and ended quickly-they'd get over it she was sure.

"Hello Joy."

"Hello Sorrow."

"How are you today?"

"Fine. It'd be better if you would come to my room."

"I…am not understanding."

"So you're a virgin."

He stared at her-recognition dawning on his face with horrified and embarrassed expressions making him look like some odd sort of caricature of a person. "I am …not."

"Sure you're not. Come on, pretty boy."

"Joy I am confu-I am not-"

"I said come on not blabber on like an idiot now _let's go._"

"…Yes Boss."

* * *

These are just random little ideas that aren't big enough(or are way too ridiculous) to fit into separate fics or I wanted to make comics or pictures out of but couldn't be arsed to draw. Out of character? Sure. They're just for the lulz-especially the last one ha ha.


	2. Cobras during the holidays

Cobra Unit Stories

The Boss always remembered birthdays. Somehow. It was kind of scary actually considering none of the Cobras had even told her _where_ they had been born let alone _when_. But she always got it right. And she always knew what to get the person too. Another scary notion because she knew only the barest of details about them despite working with them for years. They weren't allowed to know anything further than "My name is The ____ and I like ______". Which The Fury had naturally filled in with "My name is The FUCKING FURY and I HATE EVERYTHING!". Apparently he did not, however, hate miniature models of space ships. Thus he had amassed a rather large collection just from The Boss alone. When asked how she knew that The Fury would like something like that she just looked at the person for a second, laughed then walked away as if they should already know. Though the space suit should have been a dead giveaway.

For his birthday The Fear had been taken to see horror films and promised that if they ever could get their hands on a projector he would be the first to know about it. With a name like The Fear of course he likes horror movies she'd said, hand waving yet again the fact that no one had told her when he had been born. Nor did anyone warn anybody else about The Fear's new idea of jumping out from dark corners in the middle of the night when a person was looking for the bathroom. That was tame compared to his penchant for putting spiders in people's beds whilst they slept however so no one minded too much.

She and The Pain had gone to see a symphony for his birthday and The End had gotten a 3 day camping trip in the wilderness for his.

The Sorrow received a box of Kleenex with a note that read "next time try not to cry all over my shoulder". The perfect gift really for a man known as The Sorrow.

The Fury hated Christmas. More than just hated, he FUCKING HATED THE WHOLE GOD DAMN PIECE OF SHIT SEASON. No one quite knew the reason though it could have had to do with his heart being two sizes too small. Or that he was bat shit insane half the time.

He hated the noise. He hated the kids. He really hated that half of the base was gone, off with their women while he was stuck in the land of the fucking free with 3 men and 1 woman who may as well have been a man for all of the womanly charm she exuded. Plus he'd already tried to suggest a "date" but she'd smacked him so hard his one living relative back home had probably felt it. So he was feeling just a _little_ bit bitter. He wasn't trying out men either-don't ask, don't tell was more like don't ask, don't want.

So he spent Christmas Eve sitting in his room drinking cheap booze and feeling vaguely home sick. The others each did their own thing he would imagine but he preferred sitting alone and thinking about how he would go about systematically setting the entire world ablaze. He would need one fucking big flamethrower that was for damn sure. He nodded off around the point where he was deciding what kind of fuel would be best for such a big operation.

"Are you awaaake?"

"Fuck off Fear, how the fuck did you even get in here?"

"The window."

"The fuck is wrong with you climbing in the fuckin' window anyway?!"

"Pissed off. Probably a hangover. You'd better get your ass to the mess hall or else Boss will kill you," The Fear looked ridiculously pleased with himself. Like a kid on Christmas minus the kid part. No, wait, maybe that expression was fine the way it was.

"Suck my dick I'll go when I want to."

"No thanks. I'd suggest Sorrow but turns out he's the only one who gets any around here anyway. How the hell did he…"

Fury waved his arm in a shapeless sort of motion and then slammed his hand down on the arm of his chair, "it's their names. It's their fuckin' names. Joy and Sorrow. It's like that fuckin' theatre shit with the tragedy and comedy fucked up face things."

"Joy is the opposite of Fury too. And of Fear."

"Well, you're an ugly son of a bitch so that leaves you out doesn't it?" he smirked.

"Says the one who wants to light the world on fire."

"Shut your mouth that's a pretty fuckin' noble cause if you ask me."

Fear snorted, "right. And so is shooting people with arrows dipped in poison."

"God dammit are you still here?"

"It's Christmas and being American and so obsessed with today if you don't get down to the mess and eat some turkey that The End caught The Boss will come in here and turn you into a bloody mess."

"For fuck sakes I'm coming then. Are you gonna fuckin' watch me change sick freak or get your ass moving?" The Fury didn't like being told what to do by weirdoes with abnormal tongues. He would rather steal candy off of babies, watch a newly lit ablaze house burn or some other shit not related to Christmas. But The Boss probably _would_ kill him since she was into the whole teamwork thing so he went anyway.

There weren't many people there since most of them, as had been outlined before, had gone home to their wives and girlfriends for the holiday. They hadn't worn anything special-just regular civilian clothing and there was a miniature tree placed awkwardly on one of the tables. At least it wasn't noisy. And he didn't mind everyone but The Fear's company seeing as they generally let him rant if he wanted. It was almost as if his heart had grown three sizes. Either that or he was just really fuckin' hungry and that sound was his stomach growling not his heart growing. But regardless he went over and threw an only half faked smile and he, The Fury, cut the roast turkey. For himself. And then everyone else because they bitched. But the point was that he didn't hate Christmas as much. For now. As long as there were no kids involved.

"This might come as a surprise but…I'm pregnant."

Well, there went _that_ plan.

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Next time WHAT? Well, you'll just have to fill that in for yourself ;D How did the Boss know their birthdays??? IT'S A MYSTERYYYY. No, probably she was like "Sorrow ask their dead parents when these losers were born" and then he was all "kay" and did it. In my mind Boss talks like Dane Cook imitating his dad. Or Red from That 70's Show. "BUT BOSSSSS I broke my arm! :C" "That's because you didn't land right when I chucked you off that bridge. JACKASS." This time's theme was holidays for whatever reason. It's not my birthday nor anyone in my family's so IDK. The stories were longer just because these were broader themes rather than just "lol Boss would look like Meryl in MGS4 in a dress". I might do other holidays closer to actual holidays but we'll see XD Next time might be Cobras going shopping or something equally stupid. Or maybe Cobras on vacation. IDK. Something dumb. If there's anything you want to see lemme know and I'll do my best. This includes just like one line of something like "Fear in a frilly dress" or "The Pain sings in the shower".


End file.
